CROMAGNON's Journal

Subject:	MY WINGMAN, ED IS GONE
Time:	9:24 pm.

there is so much i could say today... being asked about that cutey from the week before, having no honest answer... what i thought about that thing upstate, having no clue... about that kid who got his ribs kicked in for good reason, laughing... for the guy who got his jaw broke for no good reason, making me look into shit... im in a down mood and its getting worse

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Subject:	THE HOUSE YOU WERE BORN IN IS CRUMBLING
Time:	8:37 pm.

wow, long night of drinking, spent the better part of the day at one bar, then went to kevin smiths memorial fundraiser... no, not that kevin smith... he was a guitarist/ singer for years playing in the irish cottage and recently died... it was a good turnout, but as is the habit, early in, quick out so the place dont get jammed and you dont chisel on any money they would make... we hit two other bars before wandering home, singing amazingly remembered irish fight songs... i was young once, i remember it now

ive been in a real maudlin mood lately, full of frustration and self pity since talking to an old friend... hearing her, listening about her life, her lonliness magnified the weight that i had so successfully ignored was crushing me an ounce at a time... im feeling so trapped and desperate, i want to start an inferno and scorch the earth, just so its flat and i dont notice how far ive walked or far ive walked alone... ive turned so much of myself off for so long i dont know who i am anymore, im easy to predict but impossible to figure out... the birds sing, the sun burns and the clouds wrench themselves till they dissapear into nothingness... i dont know why they do it though

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Subject:	FIVE FOR FIGHTING
Time:	8:44 am.

so a friend proposed five questions for me, these are hers... if you want me to ask five, then, well, you know what to do

1. What do you view as your biggest achievement? to be where i am through consistant hard work... to be in an engineers union, after having a ged... to still be standing while others have came, went and done their best to hurt me is an accomplishment in itself

2. What do you view as your biggest regret? getting others involved in a violent self destructie lifestyle, seeing the damage ive done to them and we all did to others is unbearable... i was a man on fire and thought since the world wounded me, it was my right to stomp on it as hard as i wanted

3. Where is your favorite place to go to unwind, and why? i dont really unwind anymore, even in the bars, im preforming, joking and acting the goon... im very tightly wound

4. What do you miss the most from your childhood? i dont miss those days at all, im happy to live through it and dont like to think about it

5. What is your favorite NY Rangers memory? the first time being at the garden, seeing how big and fast those men were is amazing... to see that beautiful glowing sheet of ice fthe first time is something ill never forget... the rangers lost that game,

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Subject:	TWIST IT
Time:	8:54 pm.

ive been short lately, pretty damn hilarious but short tempered... ive been tearing people at work, not the usual cheeky sarcasm, but some pretty hard hits, its been making people laugh and it hasnt seemed to bother anyone, but i still feel i need to tone it back a level... its been a long week, seems everyone is sick, me too, ive always hated the weakness involved with getting sick, still do, i guess... also got together with a girl natasha and man, i havent felt this alone in a long time... im tired of being the man that stands alone

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Subject:	DID YOU MASTURBATE TODAY?
Time:	8:42 pm.

last night was tommys retirement party, so cool, id have liked to stay longer but little kevin was feeling bad... janet is in the hospital, another blow to a close circle of friends that cant take any more

like a deep breath, something i needed, i hung out with an old pal today... there was always something about her that put me at ease... i do enjoy talking to her, but today was so nice, a slow boring day with some good friends, a day i have been needing for a long time... always fun but nice to look into her eyes and she always smells so nice... yeah, im a child

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Subject:	TESTED
Time:	10:25 pm.

i feel so alone lately, my dad is the only family member i have been consistantly close with... i want a warm hand, one warm hand to hold as we speak and joke and tell bad pecker jokes... i miss hearing a girls laughter, i miss hearing a girl cry even more... i wish someone would cry when i cant, because i cant cry... maybe someone will trust me enough to let me hold them when things get bad, maybe they will trust me to bare their soul... maybe someone will treat me like a human

too much to ask?

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Subject:	DID I EVER POST THE LINK?
Time:	9:13 pm.

so the trial part went pretty much as i had expected, the deceased guys son testified, breaking down in tears over a senseless death... then i went, i managed not to giggle once, which is good, told what i knew, they tried to trip me up a few times, but i didnt budge, fucking lawyers... then kevin went and our day was done, so we will see how the trial turns out, i dont wish jail on anyone, but eric is one cold fish who didnt seem at all bothered by the sons emotions... afterwards, me and kevin hit four bars, so the day ended better than it began

http://forumnewsgroup.blogspot.com/2008/08/customs-officer-indicted-for-fatal-june.html

today, i called in a favor, from a friend and got the name and number of a new doctor for a much needed second opinion... i havent been able to sleep lately, i am being reminded why i hate doctors so much... read that as fear doctors and dispise their cavalier attitude towards those filthy humans, it sickens me, but i hope not too bad, theres no cures for hatred, im sure... i havent been to a doctor in years, i went to an ear doctor when i cracked my skull and lost hearing (didnt go for the cracked skull though, duct tape and cotton balls did the trick) that was in 03, maybe 04

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Subject:	4 HOURS IN THE WAITING ROOM
Time:	7:05 pm.

me and dad went to the surgical consult, the doctors said even though the blood tests said there was no cancer, 90% of the tumors turn out to be cancerous... and even though the first doctor said the operation wouldnt be large in scale, it will be... and even though the first doctor said that if the operation was large, a piece of his intestine could be slapped in there and do the job of the baldder, it couldnt because the intestine isnt strong enough and could kill him... even though the first doctor said there would be no long term effects, my father might have to have a piss bag, something he isnt sure he wants, no matter the cost... fuck, thats all... fuck

i hate doctors, i dont trust them, fuck health care reform, start weeding out these douche bags who do test after test and still rely on previos figures and guess work, charging like drunken sailors all the while... fuck those who dooperation on top of operation charging all they can, like giddy butchers, no matter what slivers of flesh fall of the table

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Subject:	EXPLOSION
Time:	12:36 pm.

so the queens assistant da came to the apartment the other night, seems i have to testify on wednesday... i know a guy eric, from the neighborhood, drank with him a time or two and he killed another guy... he always carried a gun, always spoke of his job as a customs agent and was never so shy about showing his piece around... i dont know what queestions they will ask me, i dont know what eric has said about me, lets just say i never did anything with him, but there is a lot of things ive done and a lot of statitutes of limitations i know havent passed... in all eric killed a guy and claimed the guy killed himself after he dragged his body out to the driveway, its a sad situation, the other guy had a 20 year old son... he is fighting the charges, they have him on camera drinking 15 shots of jagermeister and several beers on an empty stomach... he should have plead out

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Subject:	LAURA MARLING
Time:	10:17 pm.

ive made a habit of not posting when i was emotional (read that as not posting when im emotional and sober)... yeah,ive been emotional lately, ive never had much, never asked much but losing the auld fella, well, thats gravel and sand...i dont edit myself when i speak, i dont know if im not smart enough or too bold for my own wits, tell the truth... when i cant i choose not to speak, hence my silence...

hockeys back on, a true joy in my life, something i can understand, break down to a skeletal frame... now honestly, anyone who knows a male sports fan knows a boy... i follow grown mens actions with hope and desire, wishing like i did when i was small i could be that person, all the time it is pure and real emotion... i explode in raw emotion on the triumphs of those i choose to follow and sulk at their shortcomings, somehow making my own less significant... like a small boy, i still live halloween on any day, wearing the colors of my heroes, in the shape of athletes jerseys... a new adventure... i follow those men, almost unreal, reading, studying their actions in stats, numbers, figures and twice removed anecdotes... knowing only a sliver of a fraction of what they sacrificed, having worked to hard to be so mediocre as they gave all to become great... and wishing, wishing all the time i could have given it all away every night, a silly desire, something silly and juvinile... something only a boy could wish for

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Subject:	ANIMALS
Time:	9:15 pm.

she read her glossy magazine, barely noticing as he walked by, the large white bag slung over his shoulder... he dropped it with a light thud on his computer chair next to his old dresser... she looked up as he opened his bag, smelling the familiar scent of detergent and began watching him, almost without interest... her magazine slumped as she stared at him, almost looking through him, as if she was watching a documentary she had seen before with only the slightest of interest... he silently seperated his clothes, work shirts folded in the drawer, socks and underwear stuffed in others with no thought, shirts he wore on the weekends folded in a pile on the seat of the chair, waiting their turn... she watched as he methodically sorted pants, shorts, and draped his hockey jerseys on the back of the chairs... hey, she said... you are one sexy motherfucker... he looked at her, smiling, dispite hemself, he continued on, then turned... he walked towards her, not knowing what she saw in him at all

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Subject:	VEGA
Time:	10:15 pm.

i have made up my mind, having seen the two paths of my family, we either drop dead at 50 or live forever... i saw my grandparents go all fruit bat with senility and told my father, i would never let that happen to me... i would go out like a viking, i would get a small boat, pile it with wood and gasoline and set it alight... once i felt the heat at my heels, id drop myself with a pistol to my head... he nodded and said nothing

i can say nothing to my old man... i get it

i just wish it wasnt so

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Subject:	STRPIIER
Time:	8:12 pm.

so dad checked himself out of the hospital again, i think all of his tests are done, even though i dont know because i havent spoken to his doctor... he knows there is a lump somewhere, but not where, or what it is... he seems content to die and logically i cant argue with him, or convince him especially since i dislike doctors and fear hospitals so much... i dont know what time has for him, but i am angry that he seems to look forward to ending it all... im exhausted, im looking forward to the season starting again and i can settle down into a routine again

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Subject:	I SLEPT ON THE FLOOR
Time:	10:15 pm.

havent been around, the old fellas been in the hospital, pissing blood... he signed himself out of the hospital yesterday decided he would rather have a drink and a smoke than make himself healthy... it took more than a bit of talking and enormous amounts of my teeth grinding seething rage to convince him hospital was the place to be... on the ride there, he said, so the hospital is where ill die, then... my dad is a tough bug, but damned if the old timers dont decide to die and just drop dead... my guts havent been right for days thinking about this, it makes me anrgy i have to talk to him like a child and damn if it dont make me sad that i have nothing new to offer that would make him want to stick around

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Subject:	CONTROL
Time:	9:25 pm.

i said something i shouldnt have, something i know is right, something i know i feel... two days after i should have spoken, two days too late, she had plans... im a liar, it is months too late as i have learned, but my timing as always, nah... it reminds me of some ive had bad timing...
justine, the girl ive loved more that everyone, ever, period
michelle, she didnt know how i felt, she went to california, i dont know if my timing could have been worse
jenn, well, it ran its course
bridget? it was a perfect time, best ive ever had, a flair, that burned too bright, i miss jazzy to this day
leeza, jersey should be proud, i was so angry, even neil diamond and his shiny shirts could save it
a. a... thats all i can call her, i dont know if i was ever sober when we were together, know i sobered up and became a different man when a friend told me she had an abortion behind my back

yeah, to reach is not to touch, to hold is not to have and the moment your skin reaches another does not make a connection

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Subject:	HEY DONK
Time:	10:24 pm.

i learned tonight some sad news, another friend is going away... my friend, bartender and drinking buddy is going to australia, she says, for a year... she is a good friend and she has a comfortable life here, but honestly i dont know if she will come back, its a big wide world out there... i still wish her well, i hope she finds every day a new fun adventure, even if that means ill never see my paula baby again

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Subject:	ENJOY THE SILENCE
Time:	9:58 pm.

tonight i suddenly found MYSELF adorable, the concert film of depeche mode 101 was on, i stumbled into it in the last few minutes, but i knew it well... my first girlfriend had the double cassette of the concert and we would lay on her bed (with the door open) holding hands listening to that dopey ass album over and again... well, id like to call her a girlfriend, but in that innocent, i know i like you, but have no idea what to do with you, wait till i get a chest hair sort of way... i remember kissing, sloppy wet kisses, man, but kissing into the night not even knowing what the fuck else to do... i remember she had the biggest crush on martin gore and in my self concious way being a bit jealous, little did i know even at that age i probably knew more about girls than he did... either way, it brought me back to a time i think i was happy, to a time everything was new, yeah i dont know much about the band, but it was a wonderful blast to the past and brought me to a time that even i was adorable... awwwww

the best tour film from my childhood was the rem green tour film... by far

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Subject:	REPORT
Time:	10:10 pm.

ive been painting staircases in my building before school opens, oil paint, stunning humidity, high heat... ive been downing pints of heavy to keep going... the other guy gets head aches, my guts shrink, so i cant eat, so guinness is all i can do... i dont mind, its the job, its the time of year and this boss, like all others before cant say shit when i down a pint in front of him, cuz fuck it... most bosses have been where i am, some might not have steadied themselves with a pint of heavy, suckers

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