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Saturday, August 11th, 2012

Time:10:39 pm.
so tomorrow we meet the owners od the place and see if we get the house, the real estate guy is a real dick and is asking a bucket load of questions, either because he is a creep or because the owners are creeps... my nerves are shot and im sick of waiting im not handling this well, ive always been able to punch the shit out of my problems... i still have a huge problem with any authority figure, especially a powerless pinhead acting like he has power... im really looking forward to moving in and starting this life, her son has warmed up to me and has even taken to introducing me as dad... while i think this is way too soon, it makes him happy and if it makes him feel safe and secure, who am i to argue? thats a role i am assuming, and with little kid logic, he isnt that far off yet... it just feels... so soon and i havent earned it yet
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Wednesday, July 18th, 2012

Time:8:36 pm.
we just got back from looking at houses and saw a nice one that we could afford and would suit us nicely... its in the neighborhood and theres enough space for the whole family comfortably... just renting for now is a bit of a hassle, but it will teach us just what we need in the long term and how to budget... im happy this is happening and im happy who im with... part of me still is going to mourn my bachelorhood, but i guess like all men, i prefer being a boy... so much has changed and theres a lot going on at all times, its hard to keep up it seems... oh yeah i have a severe infection and an abscess that i actually went to the doctors for, something i havent done for eight years, so yeah... its pretty serious
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Thursday, July 5th, 2012

Time:7:28 pm.
man, i havent been around ain a mules age, but i have been truly busy... im finally getting over double pneumonia which made things harder because i refused to miss a day of work to rest and recover... the summer season is here and as always work is crazy and wears me out but knowing this will be my last summer in my building, i really want to leave her looking her best... ive been to bayside a few times and can tell ill be much happier there, so i am really looking forward to it... i may soon be moving houses also, me and my girl are looking for a place to live together, things are going great with us and her son seems to be getting used to having me around... knowing her and her family this long really are making this a seamless transition, though ill mourn my passing bachelorhood deeply... i still dont know if im growing up, but i do feel old
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Saturday, June 2nd, 2012

Time:1:00 am.
its been a real hectic few weeks, the girlfriend has been staying over because her aunt died so her ma and son took off to south carolina, which has been good... at work its time to take the boilers apart and work on them, which is exhausting as hell... and the screen test

my friend simon is an actor and writer for the show white collar, and is writing another show about con men... well, he wrote a charactor based on me in real life and wants me to be in it, because im the real deal... the director absolutely loved my look, loved me, both as a guy, and as an actor, amazed i took to it so naturally... i improved a lot of lines, because they are things id actually say in those situations and he thought that was awesome... everything being said, it was a real fun day and will be a good story to tell, wheather this gets made or not
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Monday, May 21st, 2012

Time:8:02 pm.
the best part of my girl and me is that she has known me for so long that she knows the person i am... or at least i try to be... she saw me today as i really am, the overflowing, uncontrolable rage... she has seen me angry and knows it passes or i can be spoken to, made to laugh or think and like a breeze, its gone, but not this rage... i have spent so many years controlling and hiding the rage i foolishly thought i had it under control... it makes me feel weak that i cant control my hatred for everything and everyone... especially myself... i have a lot of things going right for me and a few things that can go very badly very quickly, i have been going through them as best i can but it boiled over today... the feelings that the little things in life are hard and the big ones flat out insurmountable, the feeling i am inept and unsuitable to deal with people without wanting to reach in and tear their throats out... ive put a lot of things off that i should have done a long time ago and may come back to not only bite me, but poison any happiness i have... feed that with her doubts she has expressed that made the hair on my neck stand up... since day one she has been the one that is sure and has smiled past any doubts

i do have an opportunity coming up that while great, will definately turn my life around and i dont know if the pros do outweigh the cons... who knows if its going to happen, the screen test is saturday for the producers
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Monday, May 14th, 2012

Time:10:26 pm.
after the hospital to get her checkup, my girl came over to my place and did my laundry, did dishes and straightened up... i know this is something that should make me happy and feel like im taken care of, the way men should like... in my head i know what a sweet and caring gesture this is, i know she is doing it because i made an old style lasagna dinner for her and her mom for mothers day, on top of the work i had... i know she is doing it because i spent all saturday with her and her son at little league and playing around afterward... i know it all, but i feel like something was taken away from me

i am so fiercely independent and self reliant it really feels weird... i am making a concerted effort to be part of her life and so far its going shockingly well and effortless... then she comes into my life, to treat me with the same care and respect... now suddenly i feel strange

(she has keys to my place because her old neighbors lost their house and the shelter they are staying in makes them leave during the day and they cannot ignore little kids... so i gave her keys so her and her ma can take turns coming over here when dealing with the kids becomes too much)
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Friday, May 11th, 2012

Time:9:24 pm.
ive been back and fourth so much lately, my girl has a thyroid problem, has as long as ive known her, it usually corrects itself on its own, but she has to keep an eye on it... she has been sick, the thyroid acted up, a fever and a infection in her blood... the bloodwork is due any time now, but im sick with worry... not just to see my friend sick, im worried in a selfish way, i finally have a girl who loves me wholly, a family who knows and accepts me and everything seems good... my luck never ceases... everything in me thinks that she will be fine, but damn it if im not worried sick over this... it shows me how much i care too... this has been a really intense relationship, so much has happened so fast, so much has been so good... i dont know what to think of it... i just dont want it to end... ive finally found a partner, not just a lover
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Monday, April 30th, 2012

Time:9:02 pm.
smiling to myself as i lay on the couch, i found one of her long blonde hairs, i picked it up, watching it strech and tense back up to a curl in my fingers... as the rangers flew up and down the ice i got lost for a moment as if she was laying there next to me again... as we would lose time looking into eack others eyes, or she would drape herself over my body, gently tracing her nails up and down, making the hairs on my forearms stand up... id imagine the crooked smile on her face that made me always want to kiss her for hours as we would be together in the darkness with nothing but the dancing flame of a candle to split the night... my hands suddenly longed to feel her smooth, warm skin, as id slide my hands over her, it would yield to my pressure, soft as a whisper... i havent seen her in a while as i caught a pretty powerful fever that i couldnt shake and she is now visiting her sick aunt in north carolina... i already miss her, knowing i cant see her and wont see her for another week
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Thursday, April 12th, 2012

Time:7:15 pm.
the new season begins, the rangers are in hockey playoffs with a decent shot to really struggle for the stanley cup this year... overall a busy last few days, spent a lot of time with the girl, and couldnt be happier, she has really fallen for me, asks very little ans wants only my time and happiness... i picked up a car, the guy insisted in calling it a crossover, but my eyes live in my skull and the pacifica is a fucking minivan... its clean maintained and great on gas, so what do i care... i really dont think there is enough handshake deals, with cash and a mans word in this world anymore... ive decided that its time to finally become the end of my family line and get neutered... i really do trust this girl and dont see it being an issue but ive become hardened in the last year, so i know what i can and can not have in my life
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Tuesday, March 27th, 2012

Subject:NO, HE WASNT
Time:4:24 pm.
friday was great, seeing a bunch of the boys who i havent in a while, another loud night with a lot of laughs... another good weekend, spent time with the girl again and monday was her birthday... a real low key thing, knowing and liking her family makes everything real easy... work promises to be busy which is killing me because these allergies are kicking my ass and sapping any energy i have... i havent worked out in almost two weeks and am beginning to feel it
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Tuesday, March 20th, 2012

Subject:HUGE VAN
Time:8:59 pm.
the first day back to drinking was really fun, i hit four bars and a house party... it was so good to get together and see the boys again and get caught up to speed with everyone... i was home at a respectable time, but started too early, 11- 9... a good st pats day all the same... sunday, i was shattered but still made it to the girls house and had a good time, the weather is getting real warm and it wont be long till i break the shorts out... the timetable for moving jobs may have been moved up, it might be september now... im looking forward to it
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Thursday, March 15th, 2012

Time:8:12 pm.
always alone, ive spent so many hours
my life has been simple and solitary
its all that makes sense to me
all the many hits and setbacks
id bent too much, thought id crack
ive had it to here, with the pain
id be damned, if id go through it again
with broken fingers, i built a wall
sturdy ehough, so sound and tall
bricks and mortar, i built it high
knowing well, it was where id die
i was tired of all this rotten luck
endless days piled up, i felt stuck
i felt weak when they made me crawl
just further need to build that wall
always there was a dream of the outside
as if somehow, i wouldnt need to hide
it seems so long, ive been on the shelf
locked down inside, i even lost myself
i became used to the endless ache
i learned the lessons, not to break
in those years i forgot how to live
became convinced i had nothing to give
in the night, lays what i want so much
somwhere, what i want to touch
theres something i can never hold
no, id never dare to be so bold
all of my constant shattered failures
theres no way im good enough for her
i hope with my earnest heart on my sleeve
could i give her reason to believe
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Sunday, March 11th, 2012

Time:8:09 pm.
it was a good weekend, spent time with my girl all day saturday, it was a weird day, spending time with her family, but good... ive known them for years now, but it just feels theres a difference now... today was good, did some running around and finally cleaned up some of my tattoos, i havent used the tattoo machine in ages, im actually happy it still works... my hand which usually kills me whenever i do more than a half hour with the ink gun feels pretty good, but tomorrow will be the judge... well this time next week ill be back at the bars, but it really makes me feel good to know i dont need it... after not quitting because my fathers death last year, i wasnt so sure i could give it up, let alone give it up and not miss it much at all

i know ill be healthier this year, ive laid a good base and can work out all year to keep the weight off and keep the body lean... i havent eaten meat since superbowl either and really dont miss it, while i dont need to eat anything special to survive, learning to cook vegitarian was pretty enjoyable... ill have a steak when i feel like it but its good to know theres something else i can get done if i really want
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Wednesday, March 7th, 2012

Time:7:43 pm.
the last two days have been beautiful after work, its been warm, with a cool breeze with bright skies... for the first time ive been wanting, longing for it, like its been calling me... yeah, i finally want a drink, i havent missed it yet but i suppose its time... i miss the pubs, i miss my friends, i miss standing at the pubs and spending time where i belong... the bars have always been a second home, a refuge from all my problems, no matter how bad things were at home, or at work, there was the pub... when things were going bad, id have a place where i could go and talk to my peers, who would make mean spirited jokes that would make me laugh and make a mountain appear in perspective... when things were good, id have a crew of people built in to celebrate and to share in my good fortune (however seldom that was)... the friends i chose to surround myself with have become my family as my own family faded far from view... i missed the pubs today, i know they are still there waiting for me, to come back where i belong... i cant wait for st patricks day
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Monday, March 5th, 2012

Time:8:09 pm.
sunday i was down 20 pounds, a nice round number, bit i have a feeling thats all ill drop, ive been having some good workouts and they have been getting longer and longer, so ill just be building muscle for a while... things are going well here, i suppose, work is good, things are going well with the new girl, but they are going and thats a good thing... ive been real relaxed lately, with nothing much going on, part of me could get used to it, part of me is bored out of my skull... i was hoping to get a lot more work done... but i guess nothing is something sometimes too
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Wednesday, February 29th, 2012

Time:6:27 pm.
since dating a friend worked out SO well the last time, i figured, yeah, ill start seeing another one... so many of my friends were amazed that i was so caring and gentle to a girl, i suppose they havent seen me in that light before, where i wouldnt let anyone get close, carleen was one... so we are making our way through the pitfalls that may lay ahead of us, but she seems to really want to be with me... im nervous for the obvious reasons and sincerly doubt that ill allow myself get close to her (as i doubt ill get close to anyone again) she understands, she knows my history, even with that, she sees something in me, i really dont... she is funny and kind, cute as a button and is someone that will make me want to leave the pubs at night
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Sunday, February 26th, 2012

Time:9:30 pm.
so its over, really over... i really am angry at myself
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Saturday, February 25th, 2012

Time:12:42 pm.
i had a coverage at another building yesterday and i biked it, yeah i got a bike, a bit under ten miles... it felt good to press, to force myself, im getting older i guess... i used to bike to riis park in rockaway, (almost 20 miles) play a couple of games of handball, go to the beach and bike home when i was younger... i used to be an athlete, i miss that, i miss pressing, i miss the ego of it all, the competition... then i hung out with my brother, mack, i havent seen him in too long and we had a great time, i should have made more time for him, i see that... my legs are tired, and my hand hurts from drawing for hours, i have a headache from lack of sleep and im listening to the gorilla biscuits

its a damn fine day
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Thursday, February 16th, 2012

Time:6:56 pm.
its been a year since the old fella died and it feels like a lifetime... this has been by far the worst year of my life, for so many reasons and that is truly saying a lot... in my life, ive hit rock bottom on drugs, ive been homeless, ive lived every day with violence and endured a childhood few could endure... emotionally, i am drained and fraying, ive kept everything inside because i cant stare it in the eye... he was the one tie to my family and the biggest reminder of my humanity, my moral compass and he is gone... from the sadness, i thought i could come back and have some hope, but as always in my life, things just dont work out... so a year later, im in the same spot, im alone, tired of this life and have no prospects of things turning around any time soon... its been a year since the old fella died and it feels like yesterday
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Saturday, February 11th, 2012

Subject:I ASK YOU
Time:9:05 pm.
ive had a lot planned for this month, so far, i havent done much... ive already dropped almost 10 pounds and feel a bit better, i know i have a lot of work ahead of me, but its a decent start... ive only had meat once this week, so ive been constantly eating small bits of food here and there, but i enjoy it... for the most part, ive been laying around the place, reading and watching tv, mostly bad tv, but staring blankly none the less... i wish i had more energy but as usual, my dreams exceed my abilities
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